On Joy.

I now know Joy. I know intimately the texture and the experience of Joy. It surprised me. I wasn’t seeking it. It just overflowed from me. In me. As me.

The experience only came after belonging to myself. Or maybe returning.

I was a cello string that hummed. I had this deep knowing that my heart was singing. I simultaneously was deeply rooted in myself and boundless.

This all came through dance. It came when I listened to and honored what my body was naturally drawn to do—to move. Move to my rhythm. Head back, wheeling. My body knew what to do. It wasn’t good or bad, or in rhythm or not, or right or wrong. It was about moving with and from me.

There were others dancing too. Sometimes I danced with others but mostly alone. I stayed with myself in learning to dance alone. The moment I grabbed another’s hand, I got clunky and began losing myself. I chose to let go and be with me. In years past, especially college, I would try and mimic others or compare myself to them. However, that night, there was just me. I was a bottomless well of energy.

Joy is bottomless.

I now understand Joy is my nature. It is my essence. I remember Joy and it was so natural. Ancient even. It was this deep feeling, this knowing I also experienced during pregnancy and childbirth. In some ways new—and other ways old. In some ways extraordinary, and in other ways ordinary.

I have spent years pushing Joy down. Choking it out. Numbing. Following. Covering. 

If I take life seriously, people will take me seriously. Pursuing degree after degree, license after certificate in my pursuit to be taken seriously. Architecting my life to reflect that it was joy-filled. Marry a lawyer. Have a child. Buy a house. Move to Colorado. Buy the latte. Eat the cake. Drive the hybrid. Teach at a university. Sit on the Board. Chair the Board. Be the Captain. Run the marathon. Put on a smile. Invite the neighbors. Plant the garden. Clean the house. Buy the Scandinavian furniture. Go camping. Be the Director. Be the Supervisor. Read the billboard. Copy it. Keep buying. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Be anything but you. Pursue all things and people… except you.

The problem with this hamster wheel, is I will never know Joy. True Joy. I will give every impression I live a Joy filled life that is just the opposite. Empty.

Joy does not reside outside. It is a candle with no end. Only I can keep it, hold it and tend to its shining. And only I can thwart it, hide it and ultimately snuff it.

When I shine the whole world shines.

So, how are you tending to your flame?